Sanctuary

Okay, I actually posted this elsewhere, a long time ago, but being as I still own a T.V., Im still subjected to this loser. Yep. Dane Cook. The only people that find this man actually humorous are males of the collegiate persuasion, under 22, that say ‘dude’ every third word. Well, them and EVERY woman on the face of the Earth that is A:White, B:at least 100 pounds overweight, C: Unmarried and/or hopelessly childless, and not by choice, and lastly D: Able to gut a bag of Dove chocolates in 6.2 milliseconds. So.. once more, for lovers of REAL humor…….

       Dane Cook is not even a little bit funny.  Or handsome. I just dont get it. But I was bored and loaded on soda and skittles, so I did some research…….    After trying to sit through his set, I came to a few conclusions. (When I got out of the emergency room for trying to chew thru my own wrists*).  Heres what Ive learned- and this wont be funny, because this man is so damn dull, I am now stricken with the ‘utterly humorless’ disease.

     Women LOVE this man. The ratio in the audience is easily 100-1 in favor of women.  The only reason men show up here at all is A: they got caught cheatin on their old lady, and now theyre payin the price, B: They couldnt get laid at a sex-addict support group meeting, or C: to figure out how to drop a solid bill on a haircut to make it look like you havent had a haicut in 2 years. ( or a shower).
Look around the audience and check these poor broads out.  Now Im not gonna go into who they are exactly, cuz Ill come across as the “skinny bitch” and we dont need to beleaguer that fact any further.  However, suffice it to say that its the same chicks that plow through me with shopping carts to get to that size 28 Billabong tube-top. The same chicks that sit around with 5 other chicks eviscerating Dorito bags, drinking boxed wine and discussing why men “are all pigs”.  With that said, Ive come up with a couple of endorsements Dane might want to look into when people finally catch on.
Dane Cook Pork Rinds. Yep, I said it.
Dane Cook sex toys. (I did say look around the audience?)
Dane Cook feminine Hygiene products!!! (Im so fuckin serious.)
Dane Cook’s chocolate covered Midol.  (thats actually sheer fuckin genius. Why hasnt this been thought of before????)
Dane Cook Book-  including chocolate covered pork rinds and which boxed wine works with every type of bacon!  (Oof, that was bad…  sorry).
Dane Cook’s book on dating and relationships “How to make every girl feel pretty without showering or owning a clean t-shirt”.
Dane Cook dog food- dont make me explain, my karmas already gonna take a hit for this.
Dane Cooks seminar “Thats awful, Im sorry yer daddy treated you that way and then you married 6 total losers, Want some doritos?”
Alright, Im done.

*Solely because, thanks to evolution, I can no longer reach my anterior carotid artery with my own teeth, which was actually my first choice, for the sake of effectiveness.